“Worry is a misuse of our imagination” Dan Zadra
I am in the middle of a test. A test that I have been preparing for about a week. I have changed up my study routines and went to all the study groups and office hours I could possibly go to. I walk in with butterflies, shaky palms, and the impending feeling of doom. I look up at my bestfriend. Why does she have so much confidence in me? I look at the exam and the voices in my head start screaming at me “you idiot! you shouldn’t even have gotten into this university!” I push try and push them out and look down. The multiple choice mocking me. Everything I knew about the Krebs cycle went up in flames. I came out of the test and all I could do was look down.
I got my exam back a week later, below average as usual. My little voices started picking at me again “you worthless, stupid little girl. Why would you ever think you are smart enough to pass this class?” I went home alone. I sat in my room and thought to myself, maybe I should just end it all, if I fail out of school my parents would be so disappointed, I am never going to get my dream job, My bestfriend thinks I am an idiot, I am nothing but a big screw up. At this point in time the thought of ending my life was not uncommon. I would toss and turn in the middle of the night, wondering what my purpose in life was. I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. I am not supposed to be this person.
“I have had these anxious feelings for as long as I could remember”I told my bestfriend. If it wasn’t for her love I would not be the person I am today. She sat me down one afternoon and said “Listen I think you should seek some help.” I laughed. She looked at me and said “do you want to live the rest of your life being afraid?” She was right, I was afraid of everything, tests, rejection, large crowds, loosing my friends, the list goes on and on. I knew she was right. A couple of weeks later I was attending regular therapy meetings that eventually saved me. I will never forget my first day the awkward feeling thinking that this was a waste of time and money. When I was told that I had Generalized Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive disorder it was this moment of confusion mixed in with sheer joy. The negative thoughts in my head were not normal. Nobody else thinks this way? Then all I could feel was happiness, it was in that moment I knew I was right all along. I am not supposed to be that person, the person that wishes herself to die. I can learn to cope and change these feelings.
To anyone out there who hates themselves, I beg you to go seek help. You are not supposed to be the person who is always afraid. You are strong. You have to believe you can change!